It is my honour to pass the reins for this month's blog post to my newly found first cousin once removed, Tiffany Koerner. Last month I shared my experience of Tiffany reaching out to me after we were matched through DNA testing. Today, I am so excited that she has agreed to share her story. I really appreciate her openness and willing to share her journey on my genealogy blog. ❤
The Journey To Find My Birth
Father (Dad)
In my early twenties I had already been through three DNA
tests with men all thought to be my father. I was told growing up that my
father was a man who had passed away when I was a baby. In my early twenties a
man had walked into Tim Horton’s where I was working and he had told me he was
my father, completely turning my life upside down. I rushed home and ordered a
DNA test online and went through the waiting process only to have disappointing
results. Moving on, now I needed to know if the man who was believed to be my
father originally was really my father, and maybe this was a good time to get
to know my other family members and find out some family background. About a year had passed and I got in contact
with my would-be half brother, the son of the man believed to be my father. He agreed
to do a DNA test to see if we were half siblings. We were so sure and couldn’t
wait to see the results. That day finally came about three months later, and it
was negative. After requesting the test be done over with the company I had
gone through, they had said it was 99% accurate and there was no need to pay
for another one. The loss I felt for myself and that family is a terrible
feeling. A feeling like you don’t even know who you are, a loss like you are
not complete and only half full. By this second DNA test and all the heartbreak
that came with it, I was now more determined to find out who I really was.
There is a whole half of you that’s missing when you don’t know who one of your
birth parents is.
I had another man’s name and right away I was
off and decided to just do the awkward knock on his door and say, “Hey, I may
be your daughter.” So, I explained the story and this man asked if I could give
him a few minutes and he would be right back. This man came back a few minutes
later and handed me court documents from 1987 of a paternity test he had taken
upon himself to do way back when. I was shocked to say the least. I went and
made copies of the paperwork he had and emailed the company that he had done
the testing with all those years ago. I asked them if with the advancements
with technology could there possibly be a different outcome if we had proceeded
now with a new test. They responded saying, “No. DNA doesn’t lie.”
So, now feeling at an even bigger
loss then when I knew none of this, I tried to get names from my mother, which
wasn’t easy as she suffers with mental illness. I had heard of a man’s name a
few times from my aunt, brother and a little from my mother. Each DNA test I
went through my aunt had mentioned to me that maybe my father was a man that
she knew my mother hung around with. She told me every time she ran into him
she had noticed his blue eyes and said they were similar to mine. I had asked
my mother if she thought this man named Harold Grant was a possibility and she
said no. To me, for sure, he was a possibility. I had told my mother that I had
done a little research and saw that he was living not that far away, in the next
town actually. She insisted he wasn’t a possibility.
It was my own decision at that point not to
seek out this man named Harold after learning he was an elderly man with
children already grown. I decided to let it be. It was only a possibility and
there was a good chance after three negative test results that this one could
be negative as well. At that point I thought I may never know who the other part
of me was, get to know my full heritage or any family health history. I accepted
that this was just my path in life and I had to learn how to move on and be okay
with that.
When I was in my late twenties my fiancé and I
moved to Saskatchewan and didn’t think we would be coming home to Ontario for a
long while. Life was moving fast and new adventures were coming, but the one
adventure I couldn’t get off my mind was, “What if that man who lives in
Wainfleet is my father and I’m missing my chance.” I know I could easily find
out. It would be simple to go knock on his door, say hi, tell him my story and
ask for a simple easy DNA test. My mind battled back and forth for months about
making a decision to just show up to his residence and ask him to do a test
with me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to go and ask an older man something
so shocking when it was only a possibility. I had three negative results
before, how would I have felt if it was negative again? Not too good, I’m sure,
also factoring in his family’s feelings. I had pretty much decided deep within
myself to not be selfish and bring this news to this man. But for whatever
reason I decided to take a leap and write a letter just in case something
changed and the situation felt right. I kept this letter for a while. With a
little time moving on I felt at peace with knowing that I would just never know
who my birth father was. One thing I did know was that he had children and
maybe one day one of them would be willing to do a half sibling DNA test with
me.
Over the years I went to mediums and psychics and
they all gave me wrong leads on who my father was. They sure sent me on the run
around. Needless to say I had over exhausted my search and needed to move on
with life still continuing to fill out important paper work with a blank space
for “birth father” looking at my birth certificate that states birth father
UNKNOWN. Reading “unknown birth father” on your birth certificate sure feels
like your identity is unknown and you are not relevant to this world. There was
a man out there who was my father but I was never going to know who he was and
I was never going to feel whole.
A few years went on with fast moving
life bringing us home to Ontario. I had Googled Harold’s name every so often as
he never left my mind, being the one man who I couldn’t carry out the final
result with.
Christmas 2017 I received a DNA testing kit from 23
and me. I said “I’m going to find out who my birth father is through this.” I
just knew it. DNA testing has come such a long way each year and is so wide
spread now with all these kits making connections. I was ecstatic to spit in
that cup and send my saliva on its merry way for analysis. I sent out my sample
on January 2nd 2018 and then began the long wait for the results.
I told everyone I knew that I was doing this
test, as well as my story of why I was doing it, and that if I wasn’t able to
find my birth father through it I would at least know the other half of my
heritage. I had a poll going on at work. I asked everyone what they thought my
ethnicity was and they were all so excited to see what the results were going
to be. I thought maybe one day, years down the line, someone on my birth father’s
side will do a DNA test also and we will be matched up that way somehow. I
always stayed positive and optimistic. Either way I knew something very good
was going to come out of it.
On Wednesday, March 7th, 2018
I opened my email. The results were in!
To my surprise I had over a thousand related matches. I was excited and
anxious to dig into my history. I started with my very top match who was Debbie. The test predicted we were second cousins
through our great grandparents. I read through her profile and none of it was
making sense, which was a good thing, because this had to be my father’s side
of family. The excitement within me grew and I was two steps ahead of myself
leaving out important pieces. I was already messaging relatives to find clues
and found another predicted second cousin through great grandparents named Gary.
Gary lived in the same city as me and we wasted no time meeting up at good old
Tim Horton’s. Gary had some of the same information that Debbie had sent me
that day and even though it didn’t make sense to me that was a good thing and I
felt hot on the trail to finding out who the other half of me was. When I got
home from meeting Gary, I re-read Debbie’s profile and saw she had a list of
known surnames associated with her. She had 45 surnames and I can’t even
explain how fast my eyes scanned that list to see if “Grant” was on it. IT
WAS!!!!!!! To me it was all over. I knew my birth father was Harold Grant! I
knew! Of course, it was him. It was only my luck that if I had reached out to
him when I had previously thought about doing so, I could have had a chance to
meet him because he unfortunately passed away in 2015. It was
only 6 months before he had passed that I was driving by his house with my
letter on hand wondering if it was him. But I was reminded of why I did not
pursue seeking any knowledge from him and I was fine with that. At least I was
here and maybe someone could help me with a picture of him. Debbie had sent me
a list of the Grant brothers and there was Harold Grant’s name. I was connected
to Debbie. Debbie through her research found we were connected to others and I
was certain it had to be him.
I wasted no time and on that same day only
hours after receiving my test results from 23andMe, at 10:09 pm I sent my first
message on Facebook to my potential sister, Ruth. The message basically said I
believe I am also Harold’s daughter and I wanted to do further testing if she
was ok with that. I hit send and I waited…. About 15 minutes went by and I heard
that little noise, you know that noise you hear when the other person “sees”
your message. So, I sat down and I waited 2 minutes to verify that she saw it.
And as I opened the message I saw that the noise I heard was Ruth hitting the
thumbs down icon on my message. My heart sank. I had intruded and she must not
have thought it was possible. Even though I prepared myself for the worst, you
aren’t really prepared for rejection. So,
I sat back and thought, “Okay, that’s fine. At least I know.” But I couldn’t
help myself!!!! Nope, I went ahead and sent the same message to another
possible sister named Kelly. Same thing, thumbs down icon. I thought to myself,
“Man, they aren’t even thinking about it,” and gave my mind another overdose of
overthinking. I thought there must be bad history there like I suspected. So I
couldn’t give up. I had already gone this far and I knew I was too near to
putting the last piece of my puzzle in its’ place. I sent the same message to a
possible brother, Paul. Well, wouldn’t you know I got a thumbs down icon after
he read my message. So now I’m like okay…. Wait a minute. These guys are maybe trying
to copy the message I sent to them and while trying to copy what I had sent
them they accidentally hit the thumbs down icon and didn’t realize it? That’s
what I hoped anyway since I had the same response from the three of them. Then
at 11:32 pm I got a message from Ruth! She had said this was a surprise and a DNA
test would not a problem. She asked me what I would like to know. Pictures? History?
And wow! I wasn’t expecting that even though I had bulldozed and raced to
message her and her family. Then I received messages from Kelly and Paul. They
too, didn’t realize they hit the thumbs down icon while trying to copy my
shocking message. But then followed conversations. Right off the bat the Grant
siblings were amazing and warm and welcoming even without solid proof yet. Luckily
for me, Kelly had done a DNA test a few years back with another company. After
a few failed attempts and then more research to try to match up our DNA we were
able to upload both of our DNA test results to GEDMatch Genesis and compare
them through the One-to-One comparison tool. On March 10th the
results were in. It was a 1.4 generation match which meant…. HALF SIBLINGS!!!
At that moment I felt the tidal wave crashing over me and swallow up the void
half that I had been missing, coming together as one complete “me”. The emotions
that followed, I can’t even explain them other then, I got swooped up on a
cloud and couldn’t find the ground for the next 8 days… literally. I stayed in
this weird state of shock and realized what I had been telling myself for years
that this moment was unreachable and I just had to accept it… but it was just
reached. I was here. That day we had ordered Chinese take-out. When I opened my
fortune cookie, it read:
The Grant
siblings, Harold’s kids, my sisters and brothers were so welcoming and then I
had another huge realization. I had 8
more half siblings. Whoa. They were always in the back of my mind but my main
focus was, is Harold Grant my father? Upon finding out that we were half siblings
we wasted no time in making plans to get together. I was invited to Ruth’s
daughter’s house to meet some of the family! I was in disbelief that this day
had come, and I drove by Ruth’s daughter’s house three times because I was
still in shock! I pulled up, squeezed every muscle in my body and prepared to
walk up to the house and meet my family! I was so emotional for days learning
the positive results. I tried hard to hold my composure as I met my new family.
It was a very surreal, beautiful and humbling feeling that I will never forget.
I met my sisters, Ruth, Katherine and Kelly, my brother, Paul, as well as their
spouses and some nieces and great nephews. They welcomed me with open arms
along with a balloon and a cake that read: Welcome Tiffany. I thought it would
be a great idea to bring a balloon saying, “It’s a girl!” When I walked in they
had the table set up as a beautiful display with pictures upon pictures and
articles for me of our dad. They shared with me some pretty amazing stories
about him. They even told me that he would joke with them that there may be
another brother or sister out there who will show up from his war days!!! My
ears and eyes were wide open being so grateful to be here and learning everything
from them.
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Tiffany (centre) with 4 of her newly found siblings:
Paul, Ruth, Katherine and Kelly. |
My Father, Harold Grant, had passed away in 2015 at
the age of 91 he had left behind this amazing legacy of his life and family for
me to get to know him through after all. And believe me when I say. I felt
connected right away with the puzzle piece fitting right in. The stories, the
pictures and similarities that I am seeing every time I connect with my new
found amazing family. I can now say I know who my birth father is and was.
Everything makes sense to me and the best part is he was the sweetest man to
whom everybody in his whole town referred to him as Grandpa. The stories I hear
from my new found siblings, I hold onto every word. It’s a big deal to me to
hear who he was. I can no longer say I feel like half a person anymore. I am
now full. I know where I come from and I’m learning my path in this life. I
always say every thing happens for a reason along with patience is a virtue. My
story is a perfect testimony to where I am today. And the best part is it’s
just getting started!!!! I have soooo many new family members. I have my new
brothers and sisters, I have many nieces and nephews and great nieces and
nephews and even a few great great nieces and nephews at my age of 32! I have
lots of family and cousins in Nova Scotia whom I cant wait to meet. My special
cousin Debbie who’s own journey lead me to solving my journey. It’s been a
great ride. I’m very grateful and have many reasons to wake up smiling.
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| Harold Grant |
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| Harold Grant's hat. |
Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing your story and your heart.
Your persistence paid off and you deserve all the blessings that have come your way!
