Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Guest Blogger, Tiffany Koerner's Journey To Find Her Birth Father


It is my honour to pass the reins for this month's blog post to my newly found first cousin once removed, Tiffany Koerner. Last month I shared my experience of Tiffany reaching out to me after we were matched through DNA testing. Today, I am so excited that she has agreed to share her story. I really appreciate her openness and willing to share her journey on my genealogy blog. ❤ 

The Journey To Find My Birth Father (Dad)

In my early twenties I had already been through three DNA tests with men all thought to be my father. I was told growing up that my father was a man who had passed away when I was a baby. In my early twenties a man had walked into Tim Horton’s where I was working and he had told me he was my father, completely turning my life upside down. I rushed home and ordered a DNA test online and went through the waiting process only to have disappointing results. Moving on, now I needed to know if the man who was believed to be my father originally was really my father, and maybe this was a good time to get to know my other family members and find out some family background.  About a year had passed and I got in contact with my would-be half brother, the son of the man believed to be my father. He agreed to do a DNA test to see if we were half siblings. We were so sure and couldn’t wait to see the results. That day finally came about three months later, and it was negative. After requesting the test be done over with the company I had gone through, they had said it was 99% accurate and there was no need to pay for another one. The loss I felt for myself and that family is a terrible feeling. A feeling like you don’t even know who you are, a loss like you are not complete and only half full. By this second DNA test and all the heartbreak that came with it, I was now more determined to find out who I really was. There is a whole half of you that’s missing when you don’t know who one of your birth parents is.

             I had another man’s name and right away I was off and decided to just do the awkward knock on his door and say, “Hey, I may be your daughter.” So, I explained the story and this man asked if I could give him a few minutes and he would be right back. This man came back a few minutes later and handed me court documents from 1987 of a paternity test he had taken upon himself to do way back when. I was shocked to say the least. I went and made copies of the paperwork he had and emailed the company that he had done the testing with all those years ago. I asked them if with the advancements with technology could there possibly be a different outcome if we had proceeded now with a new test. They responded saying, “No. DNA doesn’t lie.”

            So, now feeling at an even bigger loss then when I knew none of this, I tried to get names from my mother, which wasn’t easy as she suffers with mental illness. I had heard of a man’s name a few times from my aunt, brother and a little from my mother. Each DNA test I went through my aunt had mentioned to me that maybe my father was a man that she knew my mother hung around with. She told me every time she ran into him she had noticed his blue eyes and said they were similar to mine. I had asked my mother if she thought this man named Harold Grant was a possibility and she said no. To me, for sure, he was a possibility. I had told my mother that I had done a little research and saw that he was living not that far away, in the next town actually. She insisted he wasn’t a possibility.

             It was my own decision at that point not to seek out this man named Harold after learning he was an elderly man with children already grown. I decided to let it be. It was only a possibility and there was a good chance after three negative test results that this one could be negative as well. At that point I thought I may never know who the other part of me was, get to know my full heritage or any family health history. I accepted that this was just my path in life and I had to learn how to move on and be okay with that.

             When I was in my late twenties my fiancĂ© and I moved to Saskatchewan and didn’t think we would be coming home to Ontario for a long while. Life was moving fast and new adventures were coming, but the one adventure I couldn’t get off my mind was, “What if that man who lives in Wainfleet is my father and I’m missing my chance.” I know I could easily find out. It would be simple to go knock on his door, say hi, tell him my story and ask for a simple easy DNA test. My mind battled back and forth for months about making a decision to just show up to his residence and ask him to do a test with me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to go and ask an older man something so shocking when it was only a possibility. I had three negative results before, how would I have felt if it was negative again? Not too good, I’m sure, also factoring in his family’s feelings. I had pretty much decided deep within myself to not be selfish and bring this news to this man. But for whatever reason I decided to take a leap and write a letter just in case something changed and the situation felt right. I kept this letter for a while. With a little time moving on I felt at peace with knowing that I would just never know who my birth father was. One thing I did know was that he had children and maybe one day one of them would be willing to do a half sibling DNA test with me.

             Over the years I went to mediums and psychics and they all gave me wrong leads on who my father was. They sure sent me on the run around. Needless to say I had over exhausted my search and needed to move on with life still continuing to fill out important paper work with a blank space for “birth father” looking at my birth certificate that states birth father UNKNOWN. Reading “unknown birth father” on your birth certificate sure feels like your identity is unknown and you are not relevant to this world. There was a man out there who was my father but I was never going to know who he was and I was never going to feel whole.

            A few years went on with fast moving life bringing us home to Ontario. I had Googled Harold’s name every so often as he never left my mind, being the one man who I couldn’t carry out the final result with.  

Christmas 2017 I received a DNA testing kit from 23 and me. I said “I’m going to find out who my birth father is through this.” I just knew it. DNA testing has come such a long way each year and is so wide spread now with all these kits making connections. I was ecstatic to spit in that cup and send my saliva on its merry way for analysis. I sent out my sample on January 2nd 2018 and then began the long wait for the results.

             I told everyone I knew that I was doing this test, as well as my story of why I was doing it, and that if I wasn’t able to find my birth father through it I would at least know the other half of my heritage. I had a poll going on at work. I asked everyone what they thought my ethnicity was and they were all so excited to see what the results were going to be. I thought maybe one day, years down the line, someone on my birth father’s side will do a DNA test also and we will be matched up that way somehow. I always stayed positive and optimistic. Either way I knew something very good was going to come out of it.

            On Wednesday, March 7th, 2018 I opened my email. The results were in!  To my surprise I had over a thousand related matches. I was excited and anxious to dig into my history. I started with my very top match who was Debbie.  The test predicted we were second cousins through our great grandparents. I read through her profile and none of it was making sense, which was a good thing, because this had to be my father’s side of family. The excitement within me grew and I was two steps ahead of myself leaving out important pieces. I was already messaging relatives to find clues and found another predicted second cousin through great grandparents named Gary. Gary lived in the same city as me and we wasted no time meeting up at good old Tim Horton’s. Gary had some of the same information that Debbie had sent me that day and even though it didn’t make sense to me that was a good thing and I felt hot on the trail to finding out who the other half of me was. When I got home from meeting Gary, I re-read Debbie’s profile and saw she had a list of known surnames associated with her. She had 45 surnames and I can’t even explain how fast my eyes scanned that list to see if “Grant” was on it. IT WAS!!!!!!! To me it was all over. I knew my birth father was Harold Grant! I knew! Of course, it was him. It was only my luck that if I had reached out to him when I had previously thought about doing so, I could have had a chance to meet him because   he unfortunately passed away in 2015. It was only 6 months before he had passed that I was driving by his house with my letter on hand wondering if it was him. But I was reminded of why I did not pursue seeking any knowledge from him and I was fine with that. At least I was here and maybe someone could help me with a picture of him. Debbie had sent me a list of the Grant brothers and there was Harold Grant’s name. I was connected to Debbie. Debbie through her research found we were connected to others and I was certain it had to be him.

             I wasted no time and on that same day only hours after receiving my test results from 23andMe, at 10:09 pm I sent my first message on Facebook to my potential sister, Ruth. The message basically said I believe I am also Harold’s daughter and I wanted to do further testing if she was ok with that. I hit send and I waited…. About 15 minutes went by and I heard that little noise, you know that noise you hear when the other person “sees” your message. So, I sat down and I waited 2 minutes to verify that she saw it. And as I opened the message I saw that the noise I heard was Ruth hitting the thumbs down icon on my message. My heart sank. I had intruded and she must not have thought it was possible. Even though I prepared myself for the worst, you aren’t really prepared for rejection.  So, I sat back and thought, “Okay, that’s fine. At least I know.” But I couldn’t help myself!!!! Nope, I went ahead and sent the same message to another possible sister named Kelly. Same thing, thumbs down icon. I thought to myself, “Man, they aren’t even thinking about it,” and gave my mind another overdose of overthinking. I thought there must be bad history there like I suspected. So I couldn’t give up. I had already gone this far and I knew I was too near to putting the last piece of my puzzle in its’ place. I sent the same message to a possible brother, Paul. Well, wouldn’t you know I got a thumbs down icon after he read my message. So now I’m like okay…. Wait a minute. These guys are maybe trying to copy the message I sent to them and while trying to copy what I had sent them they accidentally hit the thumbs down icon and didn’t realize it? That’s what I hoped anyway since I had the same response from the three of them. Then at 11:32 pm I got a message from Ruth! She had said this was a surprise and a DNA test would not a problem. She asked me what I would like to know. Pictures? History? And wow! I wasn’t expecting that even though I had bulldozed and raced to message her and her family. Then I received messages from Kelly and Paul. They too, didn’t realize they hit the thumbs down icon while trying to copy my shocking message. But then followed conversations. Right off the bat the Grant siblings were amazing and warm and welcoming even without solid proof yet. Luckily for me, Kelly had done a DNA test a few years back with another company. After a few failed attempts and then more research to try to match up our DNA we were able to upload both of our DNA test results to GEDMatch Genesis and compare them through the One-to-One comparison tool. On March 10th the results were in. It was a 1.4   generation match which meant…. HALF SIBLINGS!!! At that moment I felt the tidal wave crashing over me and swallow up the void half that I had been missing, coming together as one complete “me”. The emotions that followed, I can’t even explain them other then, I got swooped up on a cloud and couldn’t find the ground for the next 8 days… literally. I stayed in this weird state of shock and realized what I had been telling myself for years that this moment was unreachable and I just had to accept it… but it was just reached. I was here. That day we had ordered Chinese take-out. When I opened my fortune cookie, it read: 


I told my new found siblings about the cookie and said I was keeping it forever.

 The Grant siblings, Harold’s kids, my sisters and brothers were so welcoming and then I had another huge realization.  I had 8 more half siblings. Whoa. They were always in the back of my mind but my main focus was, is Harold Grant my father? Upon finding out that we were half siblings we wasted no time in making plans to get together. I was invited to Ruth’s daughter’s house to meet some of the family! I was in disbelief that this day had come, and I drove by Ruth’s daughter’s house three times because I was still in shock! I pulled up, squeezed every muscle in my body and prepared to walk up to the house and meet my family! I was so emotional for days learning the positive results. I tried hard to hold my composure as I met my new family. It was a very surreal, beautiful and humbling feeling that I will never forget. I met my sisters, Ruth, Katherine and Kelly, my brother, Paul, as well as their spouses and some nieces and great nephews. They welcomed me with open arms along with a balloon and a cake that read: Welcome Tiffany. I thought it would be a great idea to bring a balloon saying, “It’s a girl!” When I walked in they had the table set up as a beautiful display with pictures upon pictures and articles for me of our dad. They shared with me some pretty amazing stories about him. They even told me that he would joke with them that there may be another brother or sister out there who will show up from his war days!!! My ears and eyes were wide open being so grateful to be here and learning everything from them. 

Tiffany (centre) with 4 of her newly found siblings:
Paul, Ruth, Katherine and Kelly.
My Father, Harold Grant, had passed away in 2015 at the age of 91 he had left behind this amazing legacy of his life and family for me to get to know him through after all. And believe me when I say. I felt connected right away with the puzzle piece fitting right in. The stories, the pictures and similarities that I am seeing every time I connect with my new found amazing family. I can now say I know who my birth father is and was. Everything makes sense to me and the best part is he was the sweetest man to whom everybody in his whole town referred to him as Grandpa. The stories I hear from my new found siblings, I hold onto every word. It’s a big deal to me to hear who he was. I can no longer say I feel like half a person anymore. I am now full. I know where I come from and I’m learning my path in this life. I always say every thing happens for a reason along with patience is a virtue. My story is a perfect testimony to where I am today. And the best part is it’s just getting started!!!! I have soooo many new family members. I have my new brothers and sisters, I have many nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews and even a few great great nieces and nephews at my age of 32! I have lots of family and cousins in Nova Scotia whom I cant wait to meet. My special cousin Debbie who’s own journey lead me to solving my journey. It’s been a great ride. I’m very grateful and have many reasons to wake up smiling.

 My Father Harold Grant was born on November 7Th 1924 in Digby, Nova Scotia. He served in the West Nova Scotia Regiment during the Second World War. He fought in the Italian campaign and the liberation of Holland. He also saw service in France, Belgium and Germany. My new siblings have been sending me pictures right from the start, and what I find to be the most amazing, and so surreal, is seeing pictures of my father in the 1950s with the same expressions on his face as I see on my own at times. It’s an amazing feeling and I’m meeting him every time I see any of my new found family members. I do wish I had got the chance to meet my father before he passed away. I feel like if we had met we both would have looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. I do believe things happen for a reason so I do not regret it, the time was now and not then. And I have to say I hit the jackpot with all my new family members. What better way to get to know my dad then through all of their warm embraces. I always felt that there was something bigger for me and that door is open now and will never be shut. It is a very humbling feeling and I have absolutely no regrets. I am looking forward to the future and learning more about my big, new family! I smile knowing that my father was a good man whom everyone loved. A man that loved to joke around. My journey has ended in finding him but my journey of connecting with my new family members has just begun. On many occasions I’ve been told that our father would have been proud of me. What better ending could there possibly be than hearing that.

Harold Grant

Harold Grant's hat.
Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing your story and your heart.
Your persistence paid off and you deserve all the blessings that have come your way!

2 comments:

  1. Sorry about the thumbs down, Tiffany! Damn those emojis!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Xoxoxox i thought it was cute getting thumbs after realizing everyone was trying to copy the message xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete